I kind of jumped in last time talking about getting out and about, doing some normal things, and trying to move forward. I am going to back up a little bit and tell you what I felt in the beginning. To know the whole story I did write a book, My Loss, God’s Promises. It tells more but I am going to share some of the first days for those who are just beginning this journey.
When I first lost my husband I could barely breathe. I really did not want to breathe but I kept on living. I was angry at God for letting him die. I was disappointed in God by not giving me what I wanted. I hurt. I cried until my head felt like it would explode, took some pills for the pain, and then cried some more.
The first few days were just filled with movements of doing things that had to be done, but my brain was numb, not normal, strained. I was a walking zombie. I could not sleep much. I would crash about midnight or after and back up around 4am. My body was exhausted but my brain refused to be comforted, to rest, to unwind, to slow down. I was so sad. Such deep sorrow. I was desperate for relief.
I learned very quickly that grief is no friend. It is a harsh taskmaster and try as I would, it would not leave me alone. It caused me to wonder about my own sanity. It made me feel guilty that I was still alive. Even with friends and family around, I felt alone. And then there were episodes that I call the crazies that showed up.
Crazies, you know, the little things that catch you by surprise that you find yourself doing. Come on – everyone that goes through this finds them. Mine? Well, please, just laugh because I do now.
It was day three and I was exhausted but felt like I should be doing something. I don’t know what happened. I grabbed a plastic trash bag and began to go from room to room gathering all my husband’s socks, t-shirts, and yes, underwear and stuffed them into this sack. I got caught wild-eyed with a “gotta do this” look by my daughter. She looked into the bag, shook her head and laughed. I mean, really, what else could you do?
I decided that God allows a few crazy, wild-eyed moments during this time so we can just stop and remember to laugh. When they come knocking, and they will, just let them in but don’t forget to let them back out. And laugh. If you say that this never happened to you, I am not sure I believe you because our brains during this time are not functioning well and we are not normal.
On day eight, I was about as low as I could get. My family went home and I was alone. I had never really been alone in life before. I lived with my parents, got married and then lived with Pat. Now? Alone. Desperate for help I turned to the only one I knew could help, Jesus. Angry or not at Him, disappointed or not with Him, I knew He would be the only One that could help. He could help me keep my sanity, find forgiveness for all the guilt that grief piled on me, give my heart the comfort it needed, and restore my joy.
From that day forward even until now, I write in my journal every day. The first thing I do when I wake is to spend time with God, spend time with Jesus and spend time in the Word. He is the way, the truth, and the life.
Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in Me. John 14:1 KJV For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’ Isaiah 41:13 NIV
Prayer: Jesus in heaven, I need you close. I know I wondered if you really cared. I know you do but my flesh questioned. I hurt and my heart hurts. Be close even when I don’t call. Forgive me when I do not ask for Your help. I feel like I am being forged in the fire of life, but let that forge be the fire of Your love that brings me comfort. I do not understand your ways. I know faith is a gift from you, but Jesus, I must fight for what little faith I have now. Lord make me strong enough, because this is a battle I must win. Amen.
Note of interest – the real meaning of ‘Amen’ – Let it be so…
Author – Kathy Wrigley